LENAYISM

“The cult of popularity that reigns in high school can look quaint from a safe distance, like your 20th reunion. By then the social order may have turned over like an hourglass…”

Talking about hell hole does leave a bitter taste in my mouth. Quite frankly, it is better relished in silence - preferably, quarter of a second. With eyes rolled. Not that I did not have happy happy joy joy moments. A self-proclaimed antisocial who hung out with a chosen few and loved only some classes do have some even if those years could be likened to a stay at a gulag. Thanks to you, oh-so loaded curriculum of the science class and all the cocky know-it-alls and power trippers, too.

The company of self-absorbed and sensitive kids that I really, really loathed made it a shitty place all the more. And yes, I was self absorbed and sensitive, too, making the whole high school episode the opposite of the bestest in the spectrum of human experiences. Mix teenage boys and girls, who are emotionally frail, highly competitive in the game of self-worth, and on the cusp of their physical development. It is certainly a recipe for social disaster. A never ending failed experiment.

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From Ced

1. The long weekend’s over. Bah. Oh days of channel surfing (holy shit, the MILF!) and rem movement. Well, what do you expect when windfall’s every after thirty days? Without the qwerty buddy, I was freed from potential eye sore and infinitesimal visual material. Still, I presented withdrawal symptoms e.g. the itch to check my spamelot. Another long weekend’s coming, and I am going to, most probably, fling myself 300 kilometers away. Oil price hike and skyrocketing bus fare notwithstanding.

2. The shift has been relatively easy. Two weeks and counting, hurrah, and it seems like I am just preparing for a practical exam on any of my zzzz classes years ago.  Reading and reviewing and taking notes, listening and site-seeing and observing, and mindless link clicking here and there, too (Yehey for Granta, McSweeney’s and all that seventh heavens of online reading!). I am still deskbound, but yes, there are times that I have to get out. So far, I have been away twice.

3. Have you seen that X-file episode about the demonic cheerleaders? Girl best friends who share the same birthdates? Well, there was this unique star alignment of some sort during their birthday; before midnight struck, everything went loose. 888 was my so-called X-file life episode. The day started pretty well, and it regressed, really regressed, into something, hmmm, emotionally horrific. Tyrannical family ties horrific. I am quite thankful it happened; some truths were revealed.

4. So moving out, moving in has really been a pain in the ass. I have settled - finally - when August started. Dyan describes our hole as maid’s quarters, haha. It actually resembles one, being located just at the back of this okay-looking house. I am not complaining, though. We just have to tidy up the place and maximize the space filled with everything student-y. Gelay and I are now plotting our weight loss treatment plan. The campus is just a stone’s throw away. It’s time to finally sweat the fatsss.

5. I love, love the The Ting Tings!

6. This blog’s been given its nth chance. Bow.

So I can’t decide, really. Improving my typing speed, or exercising my fingertips, comes naturally to me. But I am not comfortable anymore in this space. I think I need to find a new vomit place. Maybe it is a part of turning over a new leaf - whatever that means. For the meantime, this blog and I are in a, uhm, cool-off stage. I will be back when stories are ready for posting. Or when I have finally settled somewhere else. Dumdidumdum.

P.S. I watched Donnie Darko for the first time (yeah I am like seven years late) on YouTube – 12 parts in all – and a voice in my head said, “Donnie Darko is my new superhero.” I have my share of obsessions, healthy or not-so, and “Donnie Darko. Donnie Darko. ” keeps buzzing in my head since yester night after watching the movie and before I went to bed until this morning and now I am writing about it, duh. Do I still have to say that it is my current favorite? Oh wormholes and killer soundtrack.

1. Miss is a word I hardly throw away. When I say miss, I really mean it, no BS attached.

I am going to miss my life here. In this very bedroom, in this very apartment that has housed me for about two months. This has been the shortest so far; I have always developed a strange loyalty to a place that has become my dwelling ground and a strong affinity to those persons I have shared the same breathing space.

However, like everything else that I have become accustomed to, say, for example, the longish walks during late afternoons, or the nightly text to the 24-hour food delivery kiosk, or the daytime trips to the nearest convenience store, I have to detach myself because, well, there are always reasons that can justify my action.

2. It has been a process of hit and miss, trial and error, fresh starts and fair endings.

A succession of split decisions that was dependent on immediate judgment, apparent circumstances, and perceived need.  Feelings of despondency and fatigue always creep in because of the absence of solid desire or passionate attempt. Convenience, familiarity, and comfort can never keep the scale balanced.

Despite the ability to meet expectations and adapt to certain situations, languishing in disharmony, of out of synchrony, is always a constant source of frustration. It does not take long to ask Major Tom for ground control. Stratagems fizzle out, too, thanks to ill plans, not to mention unforeseen realities.

3. Imagine my reaction when I have read the good news. I did the silly dance move, haha.

I am going to start August somewhere at the fringe of a university campus. My graduate school diploma is going to wait, thank you very much. I talked to the front desk clerk at the college, by the way. I need to pass a letter to the dean or just take another exam (and pass it) to be able to enrol, which is currently not my priority, though.

So what is my business there then? I will take part, drum roll please, in a development project aimed at out-of-school youth as well as adults in the country. Mag-Tagalog muna nga kasi baka may mga taong hindi dapat makabasa ang makabasa. Hindi pa ko nagpapaalam eh. Yes, I will retire my full-time desk-bound drone self muna. Yeehaw!